Counselor's Corner

New Year - New Opportunities

It’s a new year with new opportunities.  I always look forward to January.  I have often thought of it as my favorite month.  As a child I loved the snow and the cold. Growing up in Southern Ohio, sledding was a wonderful part of my childhood experience.  We had several hills to choose from.  One was long a slow and dropped you into a small creek. Our favorite hill was short and steep. It was faster to go down and faster to climb back up.  Those are good memories.  They are fun to remember and they bring with them warm and happy feelings.  But what do we do with those memories that are not good? Those memories that do not make us feel warm and happy?

It's Hot!

   Ugh! I woke up this morning to another day of heat! Yesterday my thermometer said 95 and that was at 7:30pm.  I was hot when I went to bed and hot when I got up.  Well, it is summer in Ohio, really what should I expect?

   It is uncomfortable to be hot on the outside. It makes my physical body miserable but what if the heat is coming from the inside?  What if my emotions are consumed with the heat of anger and rage? Oh, we don’t have anger issues in the church, right?  Well, we may be better at hiding them but my guess is they are there. 

Anger is the most often misunderstood emotion. William Backus, a minister and psychologist believes that anger can be positive.  He says that it can motivate us and give us the energy we need to make difficult changes.  Backus thinks the problem then is not in anger itself but in our understanding of anger and therefore, our ability to handle it constructively. 

When I describe anger to a client I often use the example of my sock drawer.  I have a lot of socks, too many really.  But what happens is that I tend to pick the same 7 socks out of my drawer each week. I wash them and put them back in on top. I pull the most accessible socks out and wear them again.  Anger is an accessible emotion.  I would even argue that it is a socially acceptable emotion.  It is easier to show anger than say, hurt or fear or sadness. These emotions are seen in our society as weak ,where as, like it or not, anger is seen as strong.  Anger is often described as a secondary emotion and when anger is coming out of us, we need to look a little deeper in the sock drawer and see what other emotions might be in there. Emotions like sadness, fear, hurt, frustration, embarrassment, shame, jealousy, and more.

So use your anger as a signal.  Then dig a little deeper in the drawer for what other emotions may be present.  It may be that when you finally address the hurt or the fear in your life the anger takes care of itself.  As always if you need someone to process these deep emotions with or would like to know more about how anger is connected to other emotions please don’t hesitate to call.  It may be hot outside but you do

n’t have to be hot on the inside. 

God Bless, Annie  

Spring and Depression

     As we wait for the spring weather to come you might be surprised to know that it is during this season that depression is actually the highest.  Common sense would seem to suggest the winter when everything is grey and cold would make us more depressed but in reality it is quite the opposite.  In fact, it is the sunshine and the newness of life that seems to make the emptiness we feel inside even more pronounced.  There has been a lot of research in the area of depression and there are a lot of new treatments that are making a difference.  One I would like to talk about today is exercise.

     As the weather improves going outside to walk or ride a bike or work in the yard becomes easier.  There are several reasons why exercise helps with depression.  The Mayo Clinic’s website offers three main mental health.  First of all exercise helps to release the brain’s “feel good” chemicals called neurotransmitters and endorphins.  These natural chemicals are helpful in easing depression.  Secondly, exercise can reduce immune system chemicals that seem to make depression worse.  And finally, exercise increases body temperature that has been shown to have a calming effect.        

     There are some direct benefits to the mind as well.  It has been reported that exercise helps you to gain confidence as you set goals and achieve them.    While you are exercising you may actually be thinking of something other than your worries and this can be very helpful.  When we are depressed we seem to focus only on what is upsetting us.  Often exercise can involve social interaction.  If you join a class or walk on the treadmill next to someone you are with others.  Just being with people seems to be therapeutic.  Depression fools your mind into thinking you need to be alone.  Depressed people tend to isolate themselves and that only makes the depression worse.  I think it is helpful to remember that exercise is a healthy coping strategy.  Many coping strategies carry with them other problems making the depression worse. Some examples might be overeating, alcohol, Internet or TV.       

     Another way that physical exercise can help is in the discipline that regular exercise demands.  When a person is depressed or weighed down with anxiety it is hard to get out of bed in the morning so simple tasks can feel overwhelming.  But getting out and taking a walk even when you don’t want to requires discipline and this can be very empowering.  It can be the catalyst to change.  It can move you from feeling out of control to regaining control.       

     Remember if your depression worsens you may need professional help.  Talk to your doctor or make an appointment with a counselor.  You don’t have to be depressed anymore.  

Fear

     We all have fears, right?  I mean fear is normal, isn’t it?  After all, there are many things that can cause us to feel afraid or anxious.  Just turning on the TV or radio or opening the morning paper exposes us to a variety of things of which we can be afraid.  There are countless opportunities every day to experience fear.   Every snowstorm has the potential to stop “life as we know it.” Every heat wave is sure to strike us down if we so much as step into the yard.  Fear is such a part of our world.   And the media knows that fear is a powerful sales approach.  Basically, fear sells.

     But fear is not all bad.  It is a normal emotion. Fear keeps us alert.  Fear warns us of potential danger. The Dictionary defines fear as an unpleasant feeling of apprehension or distress caused by the presence or anticipation of danger. Fear is future driven.  It really has nothing to do with the past.  Depression, guilt, and sadness are past driven emotions.  Fear and anxiety are always about the future. But how does our Christian faith inform our understanding of fear?  What does the Bible say in regards to fear? The Bible uses the word fear in a couple of different ways.  Many verses point toward fearing God as more of an understanding of the greatness and awesomeness of God.    

     “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge…”  Proverbs 1:7

     Clearly, there is some amount of fear that is healthy.  Fearing God can bring wisdom.  And some fear is probably good.  It can help us plan ahead and anticipate dangers.

     What does it look like to fear God?  We don’t use that language much any more so what does it mean?  It may be as simple as understanding the difference between our human limitations and God’s unlimited power.  It may mean that we have to lay our fears in God’s capable hands understanding that many things are beyond our control.

     Over the course of this month, when fear is such a part of our celebration of Halloween, I would like to spend time discussing what E. Stanley Jones calls, “the greatest single trinity of evils man can take into his life.”  The trinity of evils includes worry, anxiety and fear. This month let’s use our celebration of Halloween to move us toward a deeper understanding fear and anxiety and the effects they have on us. Think about it, what would that mean in your life if you could choose not to fear, not to worry, not to be consumed with anxiety? It could be life changing.

    Annie

THE LIST

     What’s next on the list?  Are you a list maker?  I am.  I like my lists.  Sometimes I think it is because my self-worth is tied into how much I accomplish.  Part of this, of course, is my middle class, western upbringing.  Part of this is because I am a visual person and to remember something, I need to see it written down.  And part of this may just be because I have in my busyness forgotten how to just “be.”  I have become a “human doing.” 

     Jesus did many “things” during his time here on the earth.  He accomplished much and yet his ministry and life are more a reflection of being than one of doing.  Jesus often withdrew to pray, to spend time with his father, and to rest.  Was there nothing else for him to do?  Was everything on his list neatly checked off?  Or did he know that living is really more about being than about doing. 

     Now I am not calling for laziness in the church or that we become people who do nothing.  I am not saying we should never accomplish anything but I am wondering what it would be like if we took some time to focus what it means to “be.”

     E. Stanley Jones in his devotional “Abundant Living” said it this way, “You will never be a good musician if you try too hard; do not play the music - the music plays you. So with God - do not use God; let Him use you.”  Isn’t this what we do with our lives when we try too hard to control it with our planning and our lists?  What would it look like if we didn’t try quite so hard?  What if we allowed life’s music to play us?  What if we really allowed God to use us?

     Today I am putting my list aside and I am going to meet whatever challenges and joys that come my way.  I am going to spend time with the people I love including myself and I am going to rest in my knowledge that Jesus loves me no matter what I accomplish.  So, what’s next on the list?  I don’t know, but I am open to the possibilities.

Taking Hold of Life

I have for the past 10 years been speaking at various events on the idea of contentment.  It began with kind of a “Moses moment.”  You know, that point where God asks you to do something that you feel completely unprepared for and unqualified to do.  It is in these Moses moments that we often find God’s will, because if it sounds crazy there is a good chance it came from God.  After all, Moses was an unlikely hero in the freeing of God’s own people.

In my quest to learn more about contentment, I found a scripture that has continued to inspire and challenge me to think more deeply about what contentment really is.  In I Timothy 6:17-19 Paul reminds us that we are to set our hopes not on the riches of this world but on God, who richly provides for all our needs and our enjoyment.  In doing good and being a generous people we store up for ourselves a foundation for the future so that we “may take hold of the life that really is life.”

I am a professional counselor who has been called into the ministry of helping people find hope and healing.  We all go through times in our lives where the life we seem to be grasping onto is less than “the life that really is life.”  Sometimes we need a little help to look at things in a new way, to see options and opportunities that we did not see before.  Sometimes we need a reminder that Jesus commands us to “love others as ourselves”, which does require that we love ourselves.  That seems like an easy thing to do but for many of us it can be very difficult.             

This regular addition to the newsletter can be a way of taking care of ourselves, a way of loving ourselves and thus completing the commandment to love others.  Together we will explore many of the things “of this world” that keep us from experiencing all the joy God has for us.  Together, we will learn to “take hold of the life that really is life.”

Avoiding "Helper Fatigue"

Taking care of others is rewarding work, it is exhausting work, and it is Kingdom work.  But what happens when we continually pour ourselves out for others?  We can feel overwhelmed; we can feel like we have nothing left to give; we can even become bitter. How can we avoid this “helper fatigue?” 

 

I can remember being in college (25 years ago) and hearing a sermon on Mark 12:30-32 -“you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength. The second is this, you shall love your neighbor as yourself.”  I was struck by the fact that in order to really know how to love others I must know how to love myself.  And as a college student whose mind was being continually challenged, I wondered if maybe many of the problems we faced in the church were more a result of not knowing how to love ourselves than of not knowing how to love others.  I wondered if in order to truly be a loving person I must understand how to love and care for myself. 

 

This sounds a little self-centered doesn’t it?  We, in the church, pride ourselves on being “selfless.” But if Jesus said it maybe we should look at it a bit closer.

 

You all have heard the illustration about if you are an airplane and the oxygen masks are needed you put your own on first and then you help your child or neighbor put theirs on because if you don’t have oxygen going to your brain you are not going to be as much help to the other person.  I think this is what Jesus is reminding us.  Not that we need to put the mask on ourselves and then just turn away but that we put the mask on enabling us to be of most help to those whom he places around us.  What is your mask?  Where do you find refreshment?  How do you care for yourself?  Do you read?  Do you play a sport?  Do you walk or ride your bike or play with your dog? 

 

Think about this, there is a difference in taking care of yourself and being selfish. Maybe it is time to talk to someone, call a friend, make an appointment with a counselor, or your doctor and start taking care of YOU.  Go ahead and read that book you have wanted to read, schedule some time in your week to relax, to do something fun.

 

There will always be opportunities to love others in this broken world; let’s not forget the last part of Jesus’ command “as yourself.” It could make all the difference.

Mindfulness

            “You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might.” Deuteronomy 6:5 When Jesus quotes this in the Gospels he adds something. Do you know what word he adds?   In Matthew 22:37 Jesus says, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.”  Here the reference to strength is dropped and replaced by mind.  Interesting.  Then when we read Mark 12:30 “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and with all your mind and with all your strength”  the author simply adds the word mind, as does Luke (10:27).  This may mean that our minds are important.  

            I recently attended a counselor training where the “buzz” word was mindfulness. It can be described this way, “mindfulness has to do with the quality of awareness that we bring to what we are doing and experiencing, to being in the here and now.” (www.dbtselfhelp.com). It is basically teaching ourselves to focus our attention. As I listened to our speaker I listened as a counselor, thinking of how I can help my clients but I also listened for the implications to my own spiritual journey.  If I could learn to focus my attention, what would that mean for my prayer life or my devotional life?  Of course, as you can see my mind was wondering in this training.  

            I don’t know about you, but when I read my Bible in morning with my coffee, I am often planning my day, thinking about what I did the day before, making notes about the phone calls I need to make and so on.  I am everywhere but in the “here and now.”  What gives me hope is that mindfulness is a learned skill.  People are learning to focus their minds in the moment to be truly present.  

            If you would like to practice being in the moment the first step is to observe.  This means simply recognizing what is around you.  Think of your senses, what do you see, what do you hear, what do you smell, what can you physically feel.  Then describe these and finally, truly participate in what you are doing.  I practiced this at the YMCA.  Because I am a Git-R-Done kind of person when I am on the treadmill, I am thinking about how many minutes are left, what I will do when I am done, and so I am rarely in the moment.  I listened to the sound of the treadmill and I described it as a consistent rolling hum with the steady pounding of my feet as I walked.  Then I saw the park across the road through the window and noticed the birds and trees.  Then I checked in with my body, starting with my feet and moving up to my breathing, describing in detail each of these things.  I was in the moment.  

            I am wondering how I could translate this to my own walk with Jesus?  How I can truly be present with him as I read my Bible and pray for the concerns listed in our bulletin?  If you have mindfulness exercises you have been doing for years to keep yourself focused I would love to hear from you.  Shoot me an email at annie@newsourcecounseling.com and I will use them in an upcoming article.

            It may be that anxiety or depression are keeping you from living in the moment. Know that I am here and would be honored to talk to you.  You can reach me anytime at 1-800-323-7174 #6.  God Bless, Annie

CHOOSE WORRY, ANXIETY OR FEAR; OR CHOOSE CHRIST

      With Halloween just around the corner it seems to appropriate to think about evil.  More specifically the “trinity of evils” as described by E. Stanley Jones.  Worry, Anxiety, and Fear can become quite a challenge to living a joyful life in Christ. Anxiety can be defined as apprehension over an anticipated problem.  Sounds familiar doesn’t it?  This definition is very similar to the definition of fear.  Some have said that fear is the reaction to the danger where as anxiety is the anticipation of a perceived danger.  Fear tends to be about a threat that is happening now where as anxiety tends to be about a future threat.   Worry, then, is often thought of as the cognitive tendency to chew on a problem; to be unable to let go of it.

      Let’s look at a couple of Scriptures and discover the truths offered in them.  Isaiah 41:10 states, “do not fear, for I am with you, and do not be afraid, for I am your God: I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.”  And in II Timothy we read,“for God did not give us a spirit of cowardice, but rather a spirit of power and of love and of self-discipline.”

      In examining these Scripture what do we learn about fear?  I think they are telling us that God doesn’t want us to be afraid.  He wants us to remember his power and tap into that.  He wants us to always know that he is with us and he will give us the strength we need.  The interesting thing in the II Timothy verse is that it is not something we passively accept.  Whenever I see self-discipline in a verse I assume that means that it is going to take some work on my part.  I know it takes self-discipline to exercise, to eat right, to read my Bible everyday; so what does self-discipline mean in terms of my fears, anxieties and worries?  I think it means that I have a choice.  After all, I have a choice about whether or not I exercise, I eat right, or I read my Bible.

      What would that mean for us if we could choose not to fear, not to worry, not to be consumed with anxiety? Think about that this week.  Think about having a choice to worry or to not let fear and anxiety control your life.  Think about finally living a joyful life in Christ.